Architecture of Connection: The Stories That Bring Us Back Together

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Jim Conrad: Welcome to the
Conovision Podcast, episode eight.

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I am Jim Conrad, AKA Cono, and
in the spirit of storytelling, we

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will hear the story of Connection
Lab, ConnectionLaboratory.com, with

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founder Russ Hamilton, and how the
story of human to human engagement

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is so crucially important to the
survival of the human species.

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That's later.

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But first, a story about why
stories, our stories, matter.

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Listening to stories, and telling
them, helped our ancestors

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to live humanly, to be human.

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But somewhere along the way, our ability
to tell and to listen to stories was lost.

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And as life speeded up, as the possibility
of both communication and annihilation

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became ever more instantaneous,
people came to have less tolerance

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for that, which comes only over time.

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The demand for perfection and the
craving for evermore control over

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a world that paradoxically seemed
evermore out of control, essentially

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bred impatience with story.

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As time went by, the art of storytelling
fell by the wayside, and those who

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went before us gradually lost part of
what had been the human heritage, the

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ability to ask the most basic questions.

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Mythologist Joseph Campbell observed one
of our problems today is that we are not

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well acquainted with the literature of the
spirit, we're more interested in the news

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of the day and the problems of the hour.

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Thus distracted, we no longer
listen to those who speak of the

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eternal values that have to do
with the centering of our lives.

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The news of the day and the problems
of the hour, we have inherited a world

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that has lost all real sense of time.

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Our most common complaint
is that we have no time.

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We moderns are problem solvers,
but the demand for answers,

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crowds out patience, and perhaps
especially patience with mystery.

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And that which we cannot control, we
deny our own ambivalences, searching

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for answers to our most anguished
questions in technique, hoping to find

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an ultimate healing in technology.

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But feelings of dislocation, isolation,
and of off centeredness persist as

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they always do, as they always have.

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What do we do with this
confusion, this pain?

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How do we understand that inevitable
part of life captured in the term angst,

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the anxiety and anguish that seem an
essential part of being alive today?

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Tradition suggests listen.

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Listen to stories.

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For spirituality itself is conveyed
by stories which use words in ways

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that go beyond words, to speak what's
called the language of the heart.

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A spirituality of not having all the
answers, stories convey the mystery and

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the miracle, the adventure of being alive.

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I am Jim Conrad, joined by Russ Hamilton.

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Hello, Russ.

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Russ Hamilton: Hello, Jim.

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Jim Conrad: You have a
company called Connection Lab.

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Russ Hamilton: I do.

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Jim Conrad: Gimme a thumbnail
sketch of what Connection Lab does.

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Russ Hamilton: Connection Lab provides
workshops and executive coaching for

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um, organizations, individuals that
want to get better at communication,

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presentation, and leadership development.

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It is a methodology that can save
your business, it can save your

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community, and it can save the world.

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Jim Conrad: How important in
business is communication?

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Russ Hamilton: What's the scale?

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Jim Conrad: I'd have to answer that
question by asking you the same question.

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Russ Hamilton: Yeah.

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So if we say one to 10, how important
is communication in helping a

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business fulfill its potential?

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Jim Conrad: Thrive.

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Russ Hamilton: Thrive, I would say 9.8.

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Before it's a business crisis, before it's
a healthcare crisis, before it's a climate

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crisis, it's a communication crisis.

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Jim Conrad: So companies that
recognize this try to then embody or

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teach these skills to their workers,
but is that relationship changing

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between employer and employee in
the new technological marketplace?

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Russ Hamilton: Constantly.

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First of all, it's a new technological
marketplace every 15 minutes,

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so it's constantly changing.

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We joke in our workshops and say,
well, at least that's the last change.

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Oh, thank goodness.

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Change.

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No more changes.

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That's the last.

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Oh, hang on, I'm getting a text.

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Oh, there's a new change.

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Oh crap.

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It's constantly changing.

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Jim Conrad: And that's stressful.

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Russ Hamilton: Totally.

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Very stressful.

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Again, on a scale.

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Some companies are very good at adapting,
so they're very good at self-diagnosis.

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They're very, you know, but
those are very small companies.

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Big ones really struggle with
adaptation and flexibility.

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They struggle with, uh, you
know, adopting new technologies.

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They struggle with adopting new cultures.

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Um, you know, mergers and acquisitions.

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There's a new company that we're
bringing in that's bringing a whole

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new culture, and while we want all the
benefits of that organization, we're

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also bringing their cultural baggage.

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And sometimes that can infect a whole part
of our organization or like most of it.

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So it's extremely dangerous for some
companies to have poor self-awareness

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and have poor self-diagnosis
skills and to kind of reject that

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we're in a river that's constantly
changing every few minutes.

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'Cause there are companies that would
prefer just to reject that that's true.

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And just focus on what we
control and what we're good at.

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And those companies are
short-lived and struggle.

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Jim Conrad: What is the spark in a
CEO's brain when he decides or what,

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what is the information that he gets?

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Is it from a consultant?

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Is it from internal diagnostics
to say, okay, we need to hire Russ

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Hamilton and bring him in with his
connection lab methodology because

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we're obviously not communicating.

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And how does that manifest itself
in, let's say, the day-to-day

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operations of any company?

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Russ Hamilton: A company that doesn't
communicate well often has a very

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toxic culture, very protective, very
siloed, very internally competitive.

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Dominant personalities tend to suppress
introverts and quieter personalities.

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Dominant personalities identify
if the company is safe or not.

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The loudest person in the room
gets to determine if the company

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is safe to communicate in.

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Jim Conrad: Right.

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Russ Hamilton: Of course it's safe.

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Why wouldn't you think it's safe?

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Who doesn't think it's safe?

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And of course, everybody who's an
introvert and doesn't feel safe is

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gonna sit on their hands and not gonna
communicate 'cause they don't feel safe.

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So, we want to be careful not to
generalize CEOs because they are as

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varied as any other kinds of human beings.

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So this idea that a CEO is suddenly,
you know, its own unique thing, I

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wanna be careful not to generalize.

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Jim Conrad: Because some of those
CEOs are brought in from other

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companies with other cultures.

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Russ Hamilton: Yep.

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Jim Conrad: And now they either try
to force their culture, what they've

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learned, upon this new organization
that they're running, and they can

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do that because they're the CEO.

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Or they have to try to adapt to whatever
the culture that exists in that company.

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Now, usually if they're brought in, that
company isn't, as a new CEO, that company

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isn't doing well, and so they have to
try to turn things around, quote unquote.

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Russ Hamilton: That's one story.

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Another story is the company
has grown out of the founder.

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That in fact it's been very, very
successful and the founder has helped

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it go from four employees to a thousand,
which is overwhelming for this person who

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is great at a technology or a service,
and has no experience organizing a

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board, organizing funding, organizing
a variety of finance, organizing

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shareholders, IPO, um, I mean, this
person has no experience with that.

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And so the existing board says, look,
you've done great and we're gonna find a

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role for you, but you are not qualified to
bring this organization to the next level.

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Would you like to see it
fulfill its potential?

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And that CEO, that man or that
woman, is inevitably, you know,

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gonna say yes because this is great,
but it's also very hard to let go.

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Yeah.

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I've seen a lot of varied
experiences in the C-Suite.

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Jim Conrad: Sometimes people don't know
if they built, especially if they built

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a company, they don't wanna let go.

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Because it's so intrinsically
tied to who they are.

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Russ Hamilton: Their identity.

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Jim Conrad: Yeah.

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Russ Hamilton: It can be an
excruciating process to convince or

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otherwise remove a founder because
they are now harming their company.

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And sometimes the founder is right
when they put on the brakes and

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say, we don't want another CEO here.

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We don't want another C-suite because
it is a culture based organization

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and I am the magnet for that
culture, and they can be right.

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Getting a new CEO is extremely dangerous.

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Have you seen, I forget the film, the
name of it, but it's basically the

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story of Apple, Steve Jobs, and the CEO.

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And you know, they bring in the, the
Pepsi guy, you know, the CEO of Pepsi

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to come and take over Apple, and
he doesn't understand the product.

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You know, he's trying to take all
the money from the older computer and

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put it in all these new products, and
they don't want to invest in the thing

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that's making them the most money.

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And Jobs gets removed.

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And of course, you know, that's,
that's a pretty delicate story.

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But so are all these stories
are enormously sophisticated

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and packed with nuance.

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And to your earlier question, the
problem is usually communication,

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which can take a while to unpack.

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What does that mean, communication?

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Because it is a galaxy of
definitions and predispositions.

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I've been studying epistemology and
linguistics as part of a requirement

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to really understand what's going on.

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And did you know that there were
6,000 languages in human history?

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There have been 6,000 languages
recorded in human history.

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And of those 6,000 languages, 5,000
of them are impenetrable to the other.

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I've been caught in a winter storm in
Magadan Russia, Northeastern Russia,

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and man, there's no Spanish there.

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There's no like Latin based languages.

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There's no Scandinavian, Germanic English.

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You know that, you are looking at symbols.

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You have no idea what they mean.

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Jim Conrad: Only the locals know.

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Russ Hamilton: Only, and they
look at you like, why are you

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standing in eight feet of snow?

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And it's like, well, we're
trying to find a restaurant.

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But you can't have that conversation
'cause nothing I'm saying is

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penetrable to the people hearing it.

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Jim Conrad: Now that speaks to
what's happening today, where

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the universal language is quickly
becoming our mother tongue, English.

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Russ Hamilton: Yeah, it's still
a dominant business language.

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It's still the language that
pilots use in pretty much every

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commercial airline in the world.

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They use English.

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It's the language most often
in finance, but language is

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also used to separate people.

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Think of twins in the house,
kids that are born together.

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They suddenly come up with
their own language, right?

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They can whisper and hum and talk and use
hand signals, and the rest of the family

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has no idea what they're talking about.

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And they are pretty good with that.

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They're pretty good with the fact
that nobody can understand it.

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So language becomes a way to
separate ourselves from people

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and isolate, and in a way elevate.

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We are better than you and now we're
into a territory that is worth exploring

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to say, how is this an impediment to
people around the world communicating?

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Jim Conrad: How is language and
tribalism, is language part of tribalism?

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Russ Hamilton: I feel like
that's what we're describing.

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I think language is self-developed.

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It's interesting, there's a couple of
schools of thought around how, 'cause

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we don't know, communication is one
of the great mysteries of science.

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We don't know who was the first
person to actually use language.

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We don't, you know, we've seen artwork
on the walls in France and Africa,

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um, but we don't know how it began.

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There's the Noam Chomsky
argument that says, one day one

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person woke up and could do it.

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There's also the more
anthropological background, which is,

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Jim Conrad: Over time.

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Russ Hamilton: Over
time, it was developed.

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Jim Conrad: Our guttural grunts
and squawks and squeaks started to

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have different meanings if we link
them together in some way or shape.

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Russ Hamilton: That's right.

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And anthropologically, you know,
we would kind of as chimpanzees

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kind of walk on all fours.

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And then we started to walk upright
which left our hands free to

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communicate, which was a whole new
thing when we started to stand upright.

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Jim Conrad: Yep.

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Russ Hamilton: And then when we weren't
working as hard to do things, our facial

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expressions started to get involved.

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And so the grunts with facial
and with hands started to

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offer a communication source.

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So there's that school of thought.

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Those are the two primary
schools of thought.

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That it developed over time,
or one person woke up one day

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and started teaching everybody.

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Jim Conrad: And we are, as human
beings, we are symbol identifying,

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meaning seeking creatures, aren't we?

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Tie that back into, in one of your
seminars on leadership development, is

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meaning and value a part of the equation?

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Russ Hamilton: Yeah.

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Well, what that, that question
makes me think of is the distinction

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between autonomy and community.

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Jim Conrad: Autonomy and community.

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Russ Hamilton: 'Cause everybody
has their own definitions of value.

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Everybody has their own definitions
of who they are and what they

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are and what's happening.

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Often those definitions are informed
by the what they're fed and what

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narratives they're consuming,
and media they're consuming.

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But the difference between autonomy
and community, if you think of a

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teeter-totter and on each end of the
teeter-totter at one end is autonomy.

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The other end is community.

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Where do I put myself at any
given moment between autonomy?

00:15:19.810 --> 00:15:22.150
Do I, am I like more on the autonomy side?

00:15:22.300 --> 00:15:23.380
What does autonomy mean?

00:15:23.680 --> 00:15:27.970
Autonomy means my, how I define my
right to self govern, self determine.

00:15:28.120 --> 00:15:32.650
My autonomy, my experience, my
senses, my sense of smell, touch,

00:15:32.650 --> 00:15:34.390
taste, sound, all these things.

00:15:34.840 --> 00:15:37.480
My personal experience in this world.

00:15:37.480 --> 00:15:41.895
My right to determine who I am, to
self govern and to self-identify.

00:15:41.895 --> 00:15:43.545
That's autonomy.

00:15:43.605 --> 00:15:48.885
Community is you and I in a room together
with some friends in the booth out there

00:15:49.365 --> 00:15:52.875
and we are a little community doing a
recording right now on what we assume

00:15:52.875 --> 00:15:55.855
is a common mission to create some
interesting content for Conovision.

00:15:55.935 --> 00:16:00.495
Both things exist simultaneously, so in
a way, this is our approach to duality.

00:16:00.975 --> 00:16:04.935
The particle in the wave, that light
itself is both a particle and a wave.

00:16:05.415 --> 00:16:07.935
Communication is both
autonomy and community.

00:16:07.935 --> 00:16:12.375
Both have to exist simultaneously for a
successful communication to take place.

00:16:12.495 --> 00:16:16.365
And we live in a society that tends
to want us to choose, pick a side.

00:16:16.425 --> 00:16:19.725
Do you want to be heavy autonomy
and see the world as a threat to

00:16:19.755 --> 00:16:21.675
your autonomy or as a benefit to it?

00:16:21.975 --> 00:16:25.185
Or do you wanna live in a community
and see the world as a threat to

00:16:25.185 --> 00:16:26.895
the community or as a benefit to it?

00:16:26.985 --> 00:16:32.080
The call to action is to embrace
autonomy and community as two opposite

00:16:32.080 --> 00:16:35.140
things that are existing in the same
place at the same time, duality.

00:16:35.530 --> 00:16:39.910
Jim Conrad: When you're doing your
seminars and explaining that concept,

00:16:40.980 --> 00:16:45.580
another part of your practice
and methodology is to make people

00:16:45.580 --> 00:16:49.880
aware how they react under stress.

00:16:50.710 --> 00:16:55.245
Because we act, react differently when
we're relaxed and we have minimal stress.

00:16:55.275 --> 00:16:58.875
If we can have certain ideals, certain
ways and practices that we do things.

00:16:58.995 --> 00:17:05.024
But then when we are under stress, all
manner of things begin to occur, including

00:17:05.325 --> 00:17:09.825
reflexive thinking, thinking that's been
buried back in there for a long time.

00:17:10.514 --> 00:17:13.754
But as soon as we become
stressed out, boom.

00:17:14.385 --> 00:17:17.675
So your methodology is to identify that.

00:17:18.005 --> 00:17:21.245
Identify when you're in a
stressful situation, but more, more

00:17:21.245 --> 00:17:25.445
importantly, look at yourself and,
and see how you react under stress.

00:17:25.505 --> 00:17:25.985
Russ Hamilton: Yes.

00:17:26.705 --> 00:17:31.535
Uh, how do I show up under stress is
the first primary question out of three

00:17:31.535 --> 00:17:34.205
primary questions in our six box model.

00:17:34.865 --> 00:17:38.645
We have a six box model, three primary
questions, three primary relationships.

00:17:39.305 --> 00:17:43.385
The questions we use as lenses to look
through at the three primary relationships

00:17:43.385 --> 00:17:45.335
and they can be applied to everything.

00:17:45.665 --> 00:17:49.265
The first question in the six box model
is, how do I show up under stress?

00:17:49.905 --> 00:17:53.745
And of course, as soon as I introduce
that question in a workshop, people

00:17:53.745 --> 00:17:57.014
kind of glaze over and start thinking
about how they show up under stress.

00:17:57.075 --> 00:17:59.504
And it's like, the
answer's not great, right?

00:17:59.504 --> 00:18:02.595
So I can see their faces starting
to change and they're like, uh,

00:18:02.595 --> 00:18:04.065
you know, am I really supposed?

00:18:04.065 --> 00:18:06.195
And I'm like, no, that's not
the purpose of the question.

00:18:06.195 --> 00:18:10.419
The purpose of the question is a lens
to look through at our three primary

00:18:10.419 --> 00:18:12.370
relationships, self content, and audience.

00:18:12.580 --> 00:18:15.340
If you wanna check this out, you can do
this on the Connection Laboratory website,

00:18:15.340 --> 00:18:18.939
and we have our six box loud and proud
there, and that's the framework that

00:18:18.939 --> 00:18:20.230
we step through into all of our work.

00:18:20.230 --> 00:18:23.630
Jim Conrad: So the lens
looks at, uh, self, content,

00:18:24.640 --> 00:18:25.160
Russ Hamilton: Audience.

00:18:25.190 --> 00:18:26.100
Jim Conrad: And the audience.

00:18:26.130 --> 00:18:26.400
Russ Hamilton: Right.

00:18:26.460 --> 00:18:28.550
Those are our three primary relationships.

00:18:29.100 --> 00:18:31.260
How do I show up under
stress is our first lens.

00:18:31.440 --> 00:18:33.870
And instead of going, oh, let me
tell you about how I show up under

00:18:33.870 --> 00:18:36.390
stress, that's not the purpose
of the question in this context.

00:18:36.600 --> 00:18:39.480
Instead, people will say, well,
what do you mean by stress, Russ?

00:18:39.480 --> 00:18:42.330
Because what's stressful for you might be
different than what's stressful for me.

00:18:42.570 --> 00:18:44.820
And I'm like, fantastic,
let's have that conversation.

00:18:45.000 --> 00:18:49.095
And then the next follow up question
might be which of my skills and abilities

00:18:49.095 --> 00:18:53.825
disappear first under stress that I have
in abundance when I'm chill and relaxed,

00:18:53.825 --> 00:18:55.385
which was a point you were making earlier.

00:18:55.975 --> 00:18:57.915
What a lovely thing to explore.

00:18:58.245 --> 00:19:02.595
The next follow up question is, can
I notice how I show up under stress

00:19:02.595 --> 00:19:08.205
without judgment or correction, or do I
automatically lay the boots into myself

00:19:08.205 --> 00:19:10.245
for being such a jerk under stress.

00:19:10.515 --> 00:19:12.165
What a bag of fertilizer.

00:19:12.165 --> 00:19:12.885
I showed up that way.

00:19:12.885 --> 00:19:14.930
I'm supposed to be a pro, a professional.

00:19:15.310 --> 00:19:16.980
But here I am, right?

00:19:16.980 --> 00:19:21.185
And now I'm supposed to be the
model for all the, no, no, right?

00:19:21.375 --> 00:19:24.285
Can I notice how I show up under
stress without judgment or correction?

00:19:24.345 --> 00:19:27.615
And the target phrase, anytime I notice
how I'm showing up under stress, the

00:19:27.615 --> 00:19:30.805
target phrase is, isn't that interesting.

00:19:30.845 --> 00:19:33.975
Because that one phrase means
it's not right, it's not wrong,

00:19:33.975 --> 00:19:35.295
it's not good, it's not bad.

00:19:35.295 --> 00:19:36.945
It's just how I'm showing up under stress.

00:19:37.455 --> 00:19:41.745
Another follow up question we ask
is, does my audience know more about

00:19:41.745 --> 00:19:43.215
how I show up under stress than I do?

00:19:43.635 --> 00:19:45.135
Jim Conrad: And the
audience could be anybody.

00:19:45.500 --> 00:19:46.820
Russ Hamilton: Could be
anybody in front of you.

00:19:46.820 --> 00:19:49.610
Could be one person, could be the
person across from you on the bus.

00:19:49.640 --> 00:19:50.850
Jim Conrad: And that
speaks to relationship.

00:19:50.850 --> 00:19:54.740
You have to be, you have to be in
relationship in order to have an audience.

00:19:54.740 --> 00:19:54.830
Russ Hamilton: Right.

00:19:54.860 --> 00:19:58.610
But if I have like a tick that I
don't know about, and the person

00:19:58.610 --> 00:20:01.430
sitting across from me on the bus
is like, oh, I hope they're okay.

00:20:01.720 --> 00:20:05.920
That person knows more about how I'm
showing up under stress than I do, right?

00:20:05.920 --> 00:20:08.230
Jim Conrad: Because of our innate
inability to see ourselves.

00:20:08.230 --> 00:20:10.360
Russ Hamilton: We, we, I can't
have your experience of me.

00:20:10.810 --> 00:20:12.520
I can't have your experience of me.

00:20:13.030 --> 00:20:15.940
I can only have, I'm busy in here
trying to manage what's going on.

00:20:15.940 --> 00:20:17.080
And the same for you, man.

00:20:17.170 --> 00:20:21.689
So, this question, how do I show up under
stress is a place that we can just spend

00:20:21.689 --> 00:20:23.550
the rest of our lives, and people do.

00:20:23.669 --> 00:20:28.350
In our case, we use that question and
it pivots into the next question, which,

00:20:28.409 --> 00:20:32.159
the next primary question, which is,
how do I want to show up under stress?

00:20:32.159 --> 00:20:33.330
If I could choose?

00:20:33.810 --> 00:20:35.850
I, I can't end stress in my life.

00:20:35.850 --> 00:20:38.730
And the fact is I quite
like some forms of stress.

00:20:38.730 --> 00:20:39.990
I show up really well under it.

00:20:39.990 --> 00:20:41.430
I like deadlines and things.

00:20:41.430 --> 00:20:43.560
I show up well in game time situations.

00:20:43.560 --> 00:20:44.850
I kind of love that excitement.

00:20:45.030 --> 00:20:48.810
Other people are like, oh, some kinds of
stress are just absolutely debilitating.

00:20:49.080 --> 00:20:51.240
But how do I want to, if I could choose.

00:20:51.390 --> 00:20:55.890
I wanna honor the stress that I'm
under and still find a way, develop

00:20:55.890 --> 00:21:00.120
my relationship to stress, to such
a point where I can choose how

00:21:00.120 --> 00:21:03.730
I show up in this moment instead
of my stress choosing for me.

00:21:04.090 --> 00:21:06.640
'Cause that's what usually happens.

00:21:06.640 --> 00:21:10.180
There's a moment where I just shrug
and I step away from the wheel and

00:21:10.180 --> 00:21:13.900
my stress takes over and the next
thing you know, I'm throwing furniture

00:21:13.900 --> 00:21:16.690
across the room and I'm gonna have to
rebuild relationships or find a new

00:21:16.690 --> 00:21:21.250
job or a new spouse, or who knows what,
'cause I show up poorly under stress.

00:21:21.250 --> 00:21:25.740
Jim Conrad: And that, sometimes that
reaction is a reflexive response

00:21:26.160 --> 00:21:27.570
from something deep inside you.

00:21:27.600 --> 00:21:31.320
So, you know, what you're doing
essentially is kind of business therapy.

00:21:32.010 --> 00:21:32.400
Russ Hamilton: Yeah.

00:21:33.000 --> 00:21:35.820
I mean, if that's language that's
comfortable for you, I, I'm not

00:21:35.820 --> 00:21:38.100
sure I would use that language,
but I'm not attached to it.

00:21:38.100 --> 00:21:39.780
I, I'm not attached to outcomes so much.

00:21:39.810 --> 00:21:43.950
What I'm interested in is introducing
these questions and it's this methodology

00:21:44.010 --> 00:21:45.750
and then helping people use it.

00:21:45.930 --> 00:21:48.360
So if they start attaching their
own language to it, fantastic.

00:21:48.360 --> 00:21:50.370
If that's, if it's business
therapy, fantastic.

00:21:50.370 --> 00:21:50.880
Use that.

00:21:50.940 --> 00:21:53.040
Jim Conrad: So how does
stress then influence through

00:21:53.100 --> 00:21:55.440
with the lens onto content?

00:21:55.870 --> 00:21:56.230
Russ Hamilton: Yeah.

00:21:56.440 --> 00:21:59.290
So if we finish the six box,
how do I show up under stress?

00:21:59.290 --> 00:22:02.210
Question one, how do I wanna show
up under stress, question two.

00:22:02.540 --> 00:22:04.360
Question three is, what do
I want to get better at?

00:22:04.600 --> 00:22:04.900
Right?

00:22:04.930 --> 00:22:09.340
If I'm noticing how I'm showing up under
stress, if there's a gap between how I'm

00:22:09.340 --> 00:22:13.155
showing up under stress and how I would
choose to, what do I wanna get better at?

00:22:13.395 --> 00:22:16.635
What competencies do I want to get
better at, so I can start choosing

00:22:16.635 --> 00:22:19.905
how I show up under stress instead
of my stress choosing for me.

00:22:20.024 --> 00:22:23.115
And people will say, well, Russ, can
I put anything on that list that,

00:22:23.115 --> 00:22:24.225
uh, I'm trying to get better at?

00:22:24.225 --> 00:22:25.034
And the answer is yes.

00:22:25.034 --> 00:22:27.135
Can I put my golf swing on the list?

00:22:27.135 --> 00:22:27.585
Yes.

00:22:27.585 --> 00:22:30.284
If that's what you want to get,
like making Thai food, yes.

00:22:30.284 --> 00:22:31.485
If that's what you want to get better at.

00:22:31.754 --> 00:22:35.530
But if you find yourself in a team lead
situation, if you find yourself, you

00:22:35.530 --> 00:22:40.210
know, uh, leading a team of people or
an organization or a community center

00:22:40.210 --> 00:22:44.080
or a family, you might wanna start
identifying competencies that will help

00:22:44.080 --> 00:22:46.979
you and your team fulfill your potential.

00:22:47.199 --> 00:22:48.490
And I say it like it's easy.

00:22:48.490 --> 00:22:53.050
Identifying the outcome is easy,
but identifying the competency

00:22:53.050 --> 00:22:56.170
that's gonna lead to that outcome,
oh, that's a good question.

00:22:56.170 --> 00:22:57.310
What is the competency?

00:22:57.310 --> 00:23:00.929
And when I say competency,
what's the thing I can practice?

00:23:01.300 --> 00:23:02.810
The, like piano.

00:23:02.990 --> 00:23:04.695
Or saxophone or whatever.

00:23:05.055 --> 00:23:06.855
Um, so those are our
three primary questions.

00:23:06.855 --> 00:23:07.845
How do I show up under stress?

00:23:07.845 --> 00:23:09.105
How do I wanna show up under stress?

00:23:09.105 --> 00:23:10.065
What do I want to get better at?

00:23:10.335 --> 00:23:14.205
Our three primary relationships
are self, content, and audience.

00:23:14.685 --> 00:23:15.735
My relationship to myself.

00:23:15.735 --> 00:23:16.515
How's my breathing?

00:23:16.515 --> 00:23:17.325
How's my hydration?

00:23:17.325 --> 00:23:18.015
How's my fitness?

00:23:18.015 --> 00:23:18.705
How's my sleep?

00:23:18.705 --> 00:23:19.515
How's my nutrition?

00:23:19.665 --> 00:23:22.455
People dedicate their lives to this
relationship, and it's a perfectly

00:23:22.455 --> 00:23:23.685
noble way to spend your life.

00:23:24.015 --> 00:23:26.250
To your point, what is my content?

00:23:26.250 --> 00:23:28.440
That's our second primary relationship.

00:23:28.490 --> 00:23:29.250
What am I good at?

00:23:30.090 --> 00:23:31.040
How did I get good?

00:23:31.320 --> 00:23:32.490
What do I make every day?

00:23:32.760 --> 00:23:34.710
What artifacts do I create every day?

00:23:34.860 --> 00:23:36.240
And what if I don't make artifacts?

00:23:36.240 --> 00:23:37.830
What if I just have conversations?

00:23:37.830 --> 00:23:38.490
Does that count?

00:23:38.670 --> 00:23:41.070
What value am I bringing
to these conversations?

00:23:41.310 --> 00:23:42.600
What experience or ambition?

00:23:42.660 --> 00:23:45.990
That's our second primary relationship,
is relationship to content.

00:23:46.470 --> 00:23:48.750
Over there in the right hand
corner is relationship to

00:23:48.750 --> 00:23:49.920
audience, and this is a big one.

00:23:49.950 --> 00:23:52.050
I mean, not that all of
them aren't big, but does my

00:23:52.050 --> 00:23:54.540
audience feel seen by me, right?

00:23:54.689 --> 00:23:56.930
Well, first of all, who's
watching me at any given moment?

00:23:56.930 --> 00:23:57.940
And can I see them?

00:23:57.989 --> 00:23:59.489
But does my audience feel seen?

00:23:59.520 --> 00:24:03.000
And almost more importantly, who
decides if my audience feels seen.

00:24:03.000 --> 00:24:06.179
And this is a lovely moment in the
workshop where people, you know, make

00:24:06.179 --> 00:24:11.610
the thinking face and who decides
if my audience feels seen by me.

00:24:12.120 --> 00:24:13.009
And people will guess.

00:24:13.009 --> 00:24:17.129
But usually it funnels down to,
don't I decide if I feel seen?

00:24:17.129 --> 00:24:18.655
If you're the presenter
and I'm the audience.

00:24:19.875 --> 00:24:20.625
Yes.

00:24:20.655 --> 00:24:24.375
If you are the audience,
you decide if you feel seen.

00:24:24.525 --> 00:24:26.865
We all decide if we feel seen.

00:24:26.865 --> 00:24:28.155
This is part of autonomy.

00:24:28.365 --> 00:24:30.035
Jim Conrad: And how do
we know if we feel seen?

00:24:30.035 --> 00:24:31.395
Russ Hamilton: Well,
that's a great question.

00:24:31.395 --> 00:24:32.205
Yes.

00:24:32.205 --> 00:24:34.995
What is the, and notice the
word, the operative word is feel.

00:24:35.055 --> 00:24:35.325
Jim Conrad: Yeah.

00:24:35.895 --> 00:24:40.670
Russ Hamilton: So it's a sensation
of feeling seen, and usually it has

00:24:40.670 --> 00:24:44.470
to do with, you know, actual, well,
people know when they feel seen.

00:24:45.220 --> 00:24:47.330
They, they feel seen by their pets.

00:24:47.540 --> 00:24:49.220
They feel seen by toddlers.

00:24:49.400 --> 00:24:52.370
They feel seen by members of their
family, who kind of accidentally

00:24:52.370 --> 00:24:53.180
connect with each other.

00:24:53.180 --> 00:24:54.560
There's no methodology involved.

00:24:54.560 --> 00:24:59.205
We're just natural connected people, where
we're naturally connected to each other.

00:24:59.625 --> 00:25:03.495
Um, but we are increasingly in a
world where that connection is kind of

00:25:03.495 --> 00:25:08.765
marginalized and things that happen out of
relationship are emphasized and amplified.

00:25:09.195 --> 00:25:10.635
Uh, but does my audience feel seen?

00:25:10.635 --> 00:25:11.895
Does my audience feel heard?

00:25:11.895 --> 00:25:14.535
Does my audience feel necessary
for this presentation?

00:25:14.865 --> 00:25:18.075
Does my audience feel invited to
inform my process and my content?

00:25:18.255 --> 00:25:19.665
What is my feedback process?

00:25:19.665 --> 00:25:20.685
What's it really in service of?

00:25:20.925 --> 00:25:24.400
All of these questions, under the
relationship of audience, imply a set

00:25:24.400 --> 00:25:27.460
of competencies that I can practice or
not in service of that relationship.

00:25:27.730 --> 00:25:30.640
So now we have three primary questions
and three primary relationships.

00:25:30.910 --> 00:25:31.990
How do I show up under stress?

00:25:32.020 --> 00:25:33.340
How do I wanna show up under stress?

00:25:33.340 --> 00:25:34.360
What do I want to get better at?

00:25:34.600 --> 00:25:36.220
Self, content, audience.

00:25:36.250 --> 00:25:39.160
Each of these relationships have
their own set of competencies.

00:25:39.550 --> 00:25:42.090
It's kind of like playing three
instruments at the same time.

00:25:42.290 --> 00:25:45.340
Saxophone, piano, and drums,
which is why people don't

00:25:45.340 --> 00:25:46.480
want to give the presentation.

00:25:46.510 --> 00:25:48.520
They don't want to stand
up in front of the group.

00:25:48.640 --> 00:25:51.550
Jim Conrad: Most people's worst
fear is standing up in front of

00:25:51.550 --> 00:25:54.055
an audience and giving a speech.

00:25:54.315 --> 00:25:55.615
Public speaking.

00:25:55.975 --> 00:25:57.475
Now why is that do you think?

00:25:57.804 --> 00:25:59.425
Russ Hamilton: So, I think
there's a few reasons for it.

00:25:59.425 --> 00:26:01.985
One is because you're playing
three instruments at the same time.

00:26:02.664 --> 00:26:07.014
And the likelihood of failure is high
with at least one of the relationships.

00:26:07.044 --> 00:26:08.215
And people hate failing.

00:26:08.215 --> 00:26:12.709
They are terrified, one of their greatest
fears is looking stupid, looking foolish.

00:26:12.860 --> 00:26:18.034
Jim Conrad: It's not the, the doing, it's
how I will feel if I fail, when I fail.

00:26:18.065 --> 00:26:18.995
Russ Hamilton: Not if, when.

00:26:18.995 --> 00:26:19.565
Jim Conrad: Yeah, when I fail.

00:26:19.565 --> 00:26:21.185
Russ Hamilton: And what that,
what's that gonna look like?

00:26:21.185 --> 00:26:21.425
Jim Conrad: Yeah.

00:26:21.695 --> 00:26:22.865
Russ Hamilton: We have
nightmares about it.

00:26:22.895 --> 00:26:25.655
We have nightmares, you know, the
actor's nightmare of walking out on

00:26:25.655 --> 00:26:27.335
stage and not knowing your lines.

00:26:27.915 --> 00:26:30.274
It's an enormous primal fear.

00:26:31.264 --> 00:26:34.325
Uh, what we do in our workshops is we hold
it up and we say, isn't that interesting?

00:26:34.325 --> 00:26:35.524
And then we actually practice.

00:26:35.524 --> 00:26:38.375
That, in fact, you can play all
three instruments at the same time.

00:26:39.004 --> 00:26:40.385
You can, you can breathe.

00:26:40.655 --> 00:26:42.065
What you have to do is slow down.

00:26:42.455 --> 00:26:46.080
And in fact prioritize
relationship with the audience.

00:26:46.770 --> 00:26:51.060
'Cause once the audience feels seen
and heard and necessary and invited,

00:26:51.480 --> 00:26:56.550
now you are no longer carrying the
burden of a perfect presentation.

00:26:57.240 --> 00:26:59.010
You are collaborating in the room.

00:26:59.010 --> 00:27:03.840
You're carrying this exchange with
everybody who feels seen and heard.

00:27:04.020 --> 00:27:05.820
It's a collaborative effort.

00:27:06.000 --> 00:27:11.880
Jim Conrad: So the operative phrase then
would be the audience becomes the content.

00:27:12.300 --> 00:27:14.880
Russ Hamilton: I would say the audience
co-creates the content with you.

00:27:15.030 --> 00:27:19.080
You have your slide deck, you have
your offer, but you've built it

00:27:19.080 --> 00:27:22.350
in such a way where you invite the
audience to constantly inform it.

00:27:22.830 --> 00:27:25.560
And if the audience feels seen
and heard, they will, even in

00:27:25.560 --> 00:27:27.780
silence, they'll lean forward.

00:27:28.290 --> 00:27:31.065
They will give, offer you their
energy and their attention.

00:27:31.065 --> 00:27:35.360
Jim Conrad: 'Cause the mistake a lot
of people do, uh, making presentation

00:27:35.389 --> 00:27:40.959
is if they have enough technology and
fancy gimmicks and slides, they can

00:27:40.989 --> 00:27:47.060
somehow perform an amazing, uh, you know,
presentation that will wow everybody.

00:27:47.270 --> 00:27:49.100
Yet people glaze over.

00:27:49.189 --> 00:27:49.520
Russ Hamilton: Yeah.

00:27:49.669 --> 00:27:51.290
Jim Conrad: Because
they're being talked at.

00:27:51.290 --> 00:27:52.260
They're not being talked to.

00:27:52.260 --> 00:27:53.179
Russ Hamilton: It's a
different instrument.

00:27:53.179 --> 00:27:57.379
If we go back to our six box, people
try to improve their relationship

00:27:57.379 --> 00:28:01.490
with the audience by investing in
their relationship with the content.

00:28:01.610 --> 00:28:01.909
It doesn't work.

00:28:03.135 --> 00:28:08.685
If I change the content on
slide 61 of a 90 slide deck,

00:28:09.645 --> 00:28:11.325
that's really gonna get 'em.

00:28:11.355 --> 00:28:11.555
Yeah.

00:28:11.555 --> 00:28:13.345
It's not, it's not gonna get 'em.

00:28:13.365 --> 00:28:14.565
It's a different instrument.

00:28:14.565 --> 00:28:18.085
Your piano playing is not gonna get
better when you practice the saxophone.

00:28:18.645 --> 00:28:22.015
Your saxophone playing is gonna
get better, which is a priority.

00:28:22.035 --> 00:28:23.535
It's a primary relationship.

00:28:23.535 --> 00:28:27.525
You need good content, but it's different
than your relationship with your audience.

00:28:27.945 --> 00:28:30.195
Relationship with the
audience is curiosity.

00:28:30.415 --> 00:28:31.415
What color are their eyes?

00:28:31.415 --> 00:28:32.495
What color are their eyebrows?

00:28:32.495 --> 00:28:33.360
What shapes do you see?

00:28:33.360 --> 00:28:35.010
We actually practice
this in our workshops.

00:28:35.429 --> 00:28:38.129
And people start raising their
hand when they feel seen because we

00:28:38.129 --> 00:28:41.790
get better as audience members and
presenters, and we take turns being both.

00:28:41.879 --> 00:28:44.129
And the more we practice,
the easier it gets.

00:28:44.129 --> 00:28:45.239
What was I so afraid of?

00:28:45.239 --> 00:28:45.959
Are you kidding me?

00:28:46.020 --> 00:28:50.909
And people who were convinced that they
were introverts and terrible presenters

00:28:50.909 --> 00:28:56.690
and terrible creators and, and just
awful as a contributor, suddenly have

00:28:56.690 --> 00:28:59.960
to re-identify themselves and go,
what if I'm actually good at this?

00:28:59.960 --> 00:29:02.900
'Cause I just got a bunch of feedback
from an audience, most of whom I

00:29:02.900 --> 00:29:06.800
didn't know, or maybe I work with
consistently, telling me that I'm

00:29:06.800 --> 00:29:08.240
the best presenter they've ever seen.

00:29:08.300 --> 00:29:13.820
And now their world starts to wobble
and shift because their whole world,

00:29:13.820 --> 00:29:15.800
their whole identity is rocked.

00:29:15.800 --> 00:29:17.570
I am not a good communicator.

00:29:17.870 --> 00:29:21.290
I've grown up my whole life knowing
I'm not a good communicator.

00:29:21.680 --> 00:29:26.450
I've always felt that I had things to
say, but I, it is never land, I never had

00:29:26.450 --> 00:29:29.870
the tools, I've never had the methodology
that's gonna help me close that gap and

00:29:29.870 --> 00:29:31.430
make it possible, make it collaborative.

00:29:31.640 --> 00:29:34.520
And the moment it becomes collaborative
and they get feedback from the

00:29:34.520 --> 00:29:37.760
audience saying, I can't wait to see
every presentation you do, you are so

00:29:37.760 --> 00:29:39.770
good at this, that messes people up.

00:29:40.490 --> 00:29:41.760
Jim Conrad: And that can be life changing.

00:29:42.500 --> 00:29:43.189
Russ Hamilton: Repeatedly.

00:29:43.600 --> 00:29:45.005
That's why I have the
best job in the world.

00:29:45.215 --> 00:29:49.955
Jim Conrad: If you were to give me an
example of someone who had a breakthrough,

00:29:50.675 --> 00:29:55.655
uh, in your personal experience over many
years of doing this, what would it be?

00:29:57.005 --> 00:29:58.955
Russ Hamilton: So, I
have many to choose from.

00:29:59.585 --> 00:30:08.250
The person I'm thinking of is probably,
2016, 2017, I'm in Boulder, Colorado.

00:30:08.250 --> 00:30:12.120
I've been working with an
organization for six years.

00:30:12.480 --> 00:30:16.110
We're doing module two of Connection
Lab, demand a call to action.

00:30:16.590 --> 00:30:18.780
Uh, we have eight people in the workshop.

00:30:18.780 --> 00:30:20.700
One woman gets up on stage.

00:30:21.060 --> 00:30:23.580
Uh, I put her in her late fifties, maybe.

00:30:23.610 --> 00:30:24.720
She's well dressed.

00:30:25.070 --> 00:30:26.720
Um, she looks great.

00:30:27.170 --> 00:30:31.310
She's standing on stage, she's breathing,
she's confident, and it's amazing.

00:30:31.940 --> 00:30:35.480
And so she's gonna, she's gonna
do her presentation, whatever that

00:30:35.480 --> 00:30:39.680
is, and very quietly, she says,
you don't remember me, do you?

00:30:41.600 --> 00:30:43.430
And I said, let's assume I don't.

00:30:45.470 --> 00:30:47.390
I have a lot of participants in the world.

00:30:47.390 --> 00:30:49.430
Can you remind me how we know each other?

00:30:49.580 --> 00:30:54.015
And she said, you were here just
about three years ago doing module,

00:30:54.015 --> 00:30:57.555
doing a bunch of module work with
Connection Lab, and she said, I looked

00:30:57.555 --> 00:30:58.485
very different in that workshop.

00:30:59.804 --> 00:31:01.064
And I said, okay.

00:31:01.064 --> 00:31:03.945
And she said, I don't know
if you remember me, but I was

00:31:03.945 --> 00:31:07.274
wearing dark gray, black clothes.

00:31:07.274 --> 00:31:08.504
I was wearing a smock.

00:31:08.504 --> 00:31:11.115
I tried to hide in the world all the time.

00:31:11.445 --> 00:31:12.945
I had gray long hair.

00:31:12.945 --> 00:31:14.024
And I hid behind it.

00:31:14.024 --> 00:31:16.155
And I said, I do remember you.

00:31:16.725 --> 00:31:20.385
And she said, um, I did
module one of your workshop.

00:31:20.564 --> 00:31:24.165
And I wept like a child because
I was facing my worst fears.

00:31:24.465 --> 00:31:27.584
And you helped me see that there
were really nothing to be afraid of.

00:31:27.764 --> 00:31:31.125
And the more I practiced and the more
I took a breath and just filled my

00:31:31.125 --> 00:31:35.205
lungs from the bottom up and sought the
answer in relationship with my audience.

00:31:35.385 --> 00:31:37.905
'Cause I felt so alone
and scared on stage.

00:31:38.145 --> 00:31:41.385
But when I started to practice
confronting what I thought was my

00:31:41.385 --> 00:31:46.844
worst fear, actually connecting
with people, it wasn't so bad there.

00:31:46.844 --> 00:31:48.495
People were kind of rooting for me.

00:31:48.554 --> 00:31:53.640
And I kind of had this breakthrough
moment, and you asked me to

00:31:53.640 --> 00:31:55.230
tie my hair back, and so I did.

00:31:55.230 --> 00:31:59.880
I pulled it into a ponytail so people
could see me, and I did my presentation

00:31:59.880 --> 00:32:03.390
and I did it with, you know, watery
eyes and snotty nose and, but you

00:32:03.390 --> 00:32:07.140
gave me tissues and I cleaned up
and I, I, I, I shared with the group

00:32:07.140 --> 00:32:10.530
what I want my leadership legacy to
be, and I got a round of feedback

00:32:10.530 --> 00:32:11.760
that I'd never heard in my life.

00:32:12.095 --> 00:32:15.725
And she said, I was so deeply
moved by the first experience,

00:32:16.355 --> 00:32:20.585
and I took pages of notes and I
stayed in touch with my cohort,

00:32:20.585 --> 00:32:22.175
the people I did the training with.

00:32:22.625 --> 00:32:26.255
And, um, four months later,
my communication got so

00:32:26.255 --> 00:32:27.395
much better I got promoted.

00:32:28.055 --> 00:32:30.525
Uh, I was a, I was
suddenly on a team lead.

00:32:30.525 --> 00:32:34.965
I, I'm leading 12 people, you
know, in our marketing department.

00:32:34.965 --> 00:32:37.995
And she said, I'd never been
promoted like that in my life.

00:32:38.055 --> 00:32:41.115
And she said, I felt like, you
know, I was, I didn't belong

00:32:41.115 --> 00:32:42.405
there and it wasn't appropriate.

00:32:42.405 --> 00:32:45.825
But the more I did it, and I, I became
a communications leader on the team.

00:32:46.065 --> 00:32:49.395
Then a year and a half
later, I got promoted again.

00:32:50.250 --> 00:32:54.510
And she said, as you see me
today, I'm in charge of 35 people.

00:32:54.600 --> 00:32:58.890
And when I say in charge, I just modeled
the practice of communication and

00:32:58.890 --> 00:33:00.720
people feel seen and heard and invited.

00:33:00.870 --> 00:33:03.540
And when I saw that you were
coming back from module two, I

00:33:03.540 --> 00:33:04.680
was the first one to sign up.

00:33:05.190 --> 00:33:08.220
And I said, you have come
a beautiful long way.

00:33:08.220 --> 00:33:11.550
And she said, I really appreciate all the,
all the things you've introduced me to.

00:33:11.550 --> 00:33:13.830
And without your help,
I, I would never be here.

00:33:13.830 --> 00:33:15.390
So I just, I just wanna say thanks.

00:33:15.804 --> 00:33:16.615
Jim Conrad: That's a great story.

00:33:17.054 --> 00:33:18.175
That's a great story, Russ.

00:33:18.294 --> 00:33:20.145
Thank you for being here.

00:33:20.245 --> 00:33:20.544
Russ Hamilton: Of course.

00:33:20.565 --> 00:33:23.145
Jim Conrad: Um, give us a
plug again for Connection Lab.

00:33:23.475 --> 00:33:26.705
Russ Hamilton: Connection Lab
is ConnectionLaboratory.com.

00:33:26.835 --> 00:33:28.155
Um, that's our website.

00:33:28.155 --> 00:33:32.955
We have the podcast Lab Notes and, yeah,
we talk to participants all over the

00:33:32.955 --> 00:33:36.254
world who've been through the workshop
and talk about their practice with

00:33:36.254 --> 00:33:38.054
the six box model and the six modules.

00:33:38.385 --> 00:33:41.264
Um, so I encourage people to check
out the website, check out, I'm

00:33:41.264 --> 00:33:42.855
on LinkedIn and social media.

00:33:43.280 --> 00:33:46.040
Uh, we're developing the app,
which I'm very excited about.

00:33:46.040 --> 00:33:48.650
We're developing the board game,
which I'm very excited about,

00:33:48.650 --> 00:33:50.330
and I'm finally writing the book.

00:33:50.420 --> 00:33:50.990
Jim Conrad: Nice.

00:33:51.050 --> 00:33:51.650
Thank you, Russ.

00:33:51.650 --> 00:33:52.310
Russ Hamilton: Thank you, Jim.

00:34:02.655 --> 00:34:06.255
Jim Conrad: The evolution of human
language from its ancient roots to

00:34:06.255 --> 00:34:12.225
modern complexity reflects the deep
interplay between biological, cognitive,

00:34:12.345 --> 00:34:14.595
environmental, and social factors.

00:34:16.605 --> 00:34:20.775
The development of syntax and grammar
allowed humans to move beyond simple

00:34:20.775 --> 00:34:25.665
communication, while the diversification
of languages into distinct families shows

00:34:25.665 --> 00:34:28.755
the adaptability and richness of language.

00:34:29.625 --> 00:34:34.364
As humans migrated and adapted to new
environments, their languages evolved

00:34:34.364 --> 00:34:38.415
to reflect both their changing needs
and the complexities of their cultures.

00:34:39.824 --> 00:34:44.784
Understanding this evolution
provides valuable insights into the

00:34:44.784 --> 00:34:49.525
nature of human cognition, social
organization, and cultural development.

00:34:50.845 --> 00:34:55.014
The evolution of human language
is a testament to the adaptability

00:34:55.255 --> 00:34:57.925
and creativity of human beings.

00:34:59.095 --> 00:35:03.940
The invention of writing allowed language
to be preserved and standardized, while

00:35:04.135 --> 00:35:08.875
the rise of global languages and the
impact of digital communication have

00:35:08.875 --> 00:35:13.735
further shaped the ways in which language
functions in contemporary society.

00:35:15.700 --> 00:35:21.400
As the world becomes more interconnected,
language will continue to evolve,

00:35:21.880 --> 00:35:26.110
influenced by both technological
advancements and cultural exchanges.

00:35:27.940 --> 00:35:34.690
The study of human engagement shows how
humans think, communicate, and interact

00:35:34.690 --> 00:35:42.310
with one another, offering a window
into both our past and our future.

00:35:56.955 --> 00:36:00.015
That was episode eight of
the Conovision podcast.

00:36:00.525 --> 00:36:05.355
We heard a story about stories from
The Spirituality of Imperfection:

00:36:05.655 --> 00:36:09.855
Storytelling and The Search for Meaning
by Ernest Kurtz and Katherine Ketcham.

00:36:10.485 --> 00:36:14.445
As well, The Evolution of Human
Language: From Ancient Roots to Modern

00:36:14.445 --> 00:36:16.875
Complexity by author Bruce William.

00:36:17.475 --> 00:36:20.955
And, of course, Russ Hamilton,
and the story of Connection

00:36:20.955 --> 00:36:23.535
Lab and Russ's stories.

00:36:23.985 --> 00:36:24.525
Amazing.

00:36:25.695 --> 00:36:26.805
Thank you for listening.

00:36:27.495 --> 00:36:32.055
And as always, remember, we
are all stories to be told.